(this was actually written before 2019 ended but i forgot to post)

this year, i learned so much about life in a hard way. i learned about pain; the kind of pain that hurts your chest, causes you to tighten your jaw just so you can stop the sob from escaping your lips and cry while you pray. pain that makes you wanna stay in bed all day, hold your pillow tight against your chest while you clench your fist so hard, hoping the pain would simply go away.

i learned about strength. i learned that no matter how heavy it is, you have to get back on your feet even though you’re bleeding and can barely walk. you dont have time to cry over misery because life doesn’t wait, it keeps going even though you feel like you need time to pause and breathe and rest; so you have to step back a little, and continue where you left off even though tears are all over your face and gets your vision blurry.

i learned about fear. i learned about 2 types of fear. one, the kind of fear that makes you hesitate to step outside your comfort zone, makes you cry, doubt your life decision, and think “am I doing this wrong?”, and two, fear about losing people i hold close to my heart. fear that makes you think “what if they leave? what if their presence is only temporary? what if something happen to them and you were the last to know?”

i learned that it never happened. well, it happened maybe once or twice, and it hurts, but life goes on and it turns out that i survive. i know sometimes its easy to let your fear take over and you really shouldnt let that happen. my former colleague once said: “you shouldnt give your happiness away just because you’re scared of what ifs and negative possibility that might never gonna happen” and she’s right. that’s how i learned about hope.

i learned about personal space. i learned that sometimes you need to just enjoy yourself and find peace after all the hecticness and everything in between. doesn’t mean you’re pushing people away and seclude yourself, but it’s more like finding your source of energy back. to surround yourself with things or even the people you care about and cares about you, so you can continue on walking the path you choose from the start.

i learned about happiness. about love. about laughter. about home.

i learned that even though sometimes life is a bitch, you can still find even the smallest things to be grateful about. at the end of the day, you can always come home to people that loves you and care about you. they might live under the same roof with you, or maybe it’s your closest friends, maybe they’re a phone call away, but you know the love is there and they will always support you no matter what. and you would do the same too, because despite of all the pain, fear, tears, and bitterness that you have inside you, your heart would still find it’s way to love.

so yes, in conclusion, this year was hard for me. the ups and downs makes me crazy. but i’m also thankful for everything that happened. i’m not THAT excited to see what life has next for me, but i sure know that whatever that is, i’d have the strength to survive.



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Alvina Maria

Alvina Maria

I write to keep myself sane. Instagram: @alpinut